Singapore Profit

A Spam Email somehow managed to slip through, asking me to help this guy with his money. This is what I think of the letter. Apparently there are people who believe him.

Dearest, (ST:Can’t even get my name, so scram, you scammer and spammer)
I am Lawrence Tino (jnr), the son of Late Chief Lawrence Tino (ST: Why is ‘late’ capitalised? Do they already know that this person is going to die? And is this person important? Why do we need to know the name?) from Cote divorce (ST:This is Ivory Coast, but it’s known as Côte d’Ivoire (IPA: [?ko?t div’w??r ) and only Divorce is found in some lists of countries with wrong spelling) in West Africa.

I want to use this media (ST:ok, through email, and now I’m giving you’re an opportunity to be featured on my website) to ask for your help in transferring my inheritance into your country. (ST: Already Singapore has taken offence with Brazil naming as a Tax Haven. Now you want my country to be known as a Money Laundering Centre.)

I will be so glad if you can allow and lead me to the right channel (ST: Do I look like someone who knows how to do all these transferring of money?) towards your assistance to my present situation now.

I’m aware that this might sound strange to you (ST:Nope, it is not strange, just funny.) but please, I beg you to will handle this matter with the most urgency. (ST: Alright, I’ll give you the time of the day.)

It is my desire to contact you based on honesty and sincerity (ST: Really?) to assist me in transferring $100000000 (Hundred Million United States Dollars) (ST: Do you think this amount really excites me? With interest accumulating each day, this sum should not be in a rounded-off figure.) which I inherited from my late father Chief Lawrence Tino who was a Gold and Cocoa merchant (ST: Usually you hear of Oil Magnate, Gold Magnate, or Cocoa Magnate, and not the two together, unless this man loves diversification).

My late father died in Abidjan General Hospital (ST: Is there a need to tell me the name? There is such a hospital though.), He was poisoned in one of their business trips (ST: How dramatic) with his business partners who are selfish and jealous of Him (ST: Since when did his father become God?).

Before his death at the General hospital (ST: Why isn’t ‘H’ capitalised?), he told me that he deposited this money in a bank and with an agreement that nobody can withdraw from it until it is being transferred into a foreign partner’s bank account which I shall nominate as his next of kin (ST:If this is possible, that means the money does not come from a legal source. Tell me how similar my name can be to be next-of-kin).

My Uncles (ST: Again, strange to have capital ‘U’) took away everything leaving me with nothing (ST: Well, you still have your Internet access). The whole problem started when they found out that they can not have an access to the money at the bank (ST: Since when the uncles are involved in the business) and I Lawrence (ST: Ok, there’s no need to tell me your name again) refuses (ST: Why switch tenses suddenly?) to sign any paper (ST: Do you want Double A, No Jam Paper instead?) so that they can gain access to the money.

As I am writing you now (ST: How can you write me? I’m not a story.), I am far away from home in fear of my Uncles who are threatening my life (ST: It’s not as if you have a lot of money. What can they gain if they kill you? Your inheritance which you can’t get?).

Though, I have discussed with the bank Director and they have accepted to transfer the money to my choice overseas partner (ST: Ya, so how did you pick me? By spamming?) but the sincerely (ST: the sincerely? Or They sincerely? If it’s just sincerely, there is a choice not to get one) want to hear from my overseas partner before they can effect the transfer.

I am motivated in contacting you (ST: Of course you are motivated. You get to cheat my money) and hope to gradually build trust, relationship and confidence in you as I get to know you better. (ST: Perhaps you will get better luck at some online dating sites.)

Indicate your interest towards assisting me by sending your full names (ST: I’m a law-abiding citizen. I don’t have that many names or aliases to escape from creditors or my victims) and age (ST: This does really sound like some online dating thing), phone and fax number (ST: I don’t have a fax at home, so too bad), home and office contact address (ST: Why do you need so many numbers? Might as well ask for my credit card number or bank account number too. Are you planning to let my boss know how stupid I am to fall for your trick?) to me so that I can communicate with you at any time.

I will also appreciate it if you can send across your photo for a better recognition. (ST: OK, this is a thinly disguised letter for trying to ask me out on a date. Better pick-up line next time.)
I will be waiting to hear from you soon.

Thanks.
Lawrence Tino (ST: Anagrams of his name include: Locate Winner, Trainee Clown, Cleaner In Tow, Trance New Oil. Perhaps it really means, first, locate a big fool, try to make him happy, take him to the cleaners, and then use the money to buy snake oil to trance new big fools)

Email:  personallawrencetino@yahoo.com.hk (ST: So, you managed to escape from Africa to Hong Kong.)

Oh well, Mr Tino, I don’t know how you are going to spend that money, but maybe behind bars.

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